This is my house - I pay the rent - you live here, you do not own the house. As such, please understand that whilst I appreciate your efforts, the correct way to catch a fly is not to scale the inner walls of the house, the curtains are there to block out sunlight not for traction and the carpets are fine without your attempts to fluff the pile.
This is my furniture - I bought it - I use it - it is not yours. As such, please refrain from sharpening claws on the new couch - even if you think you're doing it in places I will never see. It's a couch, not Mt Everest - you do not need to climb it using your claws - JUMP - I know you can, you did it bomb diving the dog off the hall table. In addition, it would be appreciated if you did not stretch out on the Queen sized bed - you weigh 3 kilos - I weigh much more - however you use of space is a lot less efficient than mine. You do not need 3/4's of the bed. For the love of everything that is good and right please stop using the laundry sink as a litterbox - you have two - they're cleaned twice a day - what more do you want? When I hear things crash these days I just assume that you have been past and my photo's, ornaments and furniture have suffered in the process. I appreciate your need for exercise, however playing obstacle course chasey over my couch, and often over me, is not appropriate. My computer is not a heated bed for you!
This is my body - it was given to me by my parents and since I was able to wipe own bottom, I have been responsible for it. It is not apprioriate to test your newly filed nails (see above) on me. It not appropriate for you to try and tenderize every piece of naked flesh, including my face, with your dainty claws. Whilst it is sometimes fun, paw, paw, paw, claw is not pleasant for me. Not to mention that I already have a hair dresser to whom I pay good money and pulling my hair out at the roots does not constitute "grooming" me no matter how many human hairballs you have!
Lastly, the appropriate way to wake me up is not pound me on the head with your paws and the way to say good night is not to run across my back chasing each other.
Love, your tenderized owner
PS The dog would appreciate if you stopped using his feet to test your teeth and if you stopped scaling his face - once again - not Mt Everest... He would like to remind you that he is 10 times your size and can eat you if necessary.