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Thread: Just a Brief Rant

  1. #21
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    I agree with GSDs4Ever

    It does help to set limits up front. When she rings - tell her you can listen for 10 minutes and then you have to go, try not to give a reason but if you do - give something that has a limit ie the cake will be done. (if you cook cakes).

    And use a timer, and when ten minutes are up, talk over the top "gotta go" and click. She will eventually learn to focus on what's important. And occasionally you can reward her with what she clearly wants - ie talk away darling I've got all day today.

    I suspect training MIL is like training puppy - reward behaviour you want and ignore/deflect behaviour you don't. Also have you tried putting a grandchild on the phone when she's had her ten minutes. Or would that make no difference to her words/behaviour.

    Also when you do decide to "have the talk" - write down all the things you want to say in point form before you meet face to face so she can't frazzle you into forgetting to say what's important. And it's definitely a good idea to tell her what you need, even it then takes her weeks to process and accept it.

  2. #22
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hyacinth View Post
    I agree with GSDs4Ever

    It does help to set limits up front. When she rings - tell her you can listen for 10 minutes and then you have to go, try not to give a reason but if you do - give something that has a limit ie the cake will be done. (if you cook cakes).
    Thanks for that idea, I didn't think of it at all. I'm an avid baker too.

    And use a timer, and when ten minutes are up, talk over the top "gotta go" and click. She will eventually learn to focus on what's important. And occasionally you can reward her with what she clearly wants - ie talk away darling I've got all day today.
    If I use the oven timer then that adds continuity to what I've already said, right? There are days where she's good and we can have a good conversation with minimal criticism on her part too.

    I suspect training MIL is like training puppy - reward behaviour you want and ignore/deflect behaviour you don't. Also have you tried putting a grandchild on the phone when she's had her ten minutes. Or would that make no difference to her words/behaviour.
    No kids here, and no grandkids for her yet either - Hubby's sister is planning her first next year (2011). Part of her problem is that I am unable to have children but she doesn't want to accept that. I don't know if it would help, but there are times when friends from our childhood are visiting and I can hand off to them for a while, normally she talks to them and hangs up so that makes me pretty happy.

    Also when you do decide to "have the talk" - write down all the things you want to say in point form before you meet face to face so she can't frazzle you into forgetting to say what's important. And it's definitely a good idea to tell her what you need, even it then takes her weeks to process and accept it.
    I will definitely be doing this. She is very good at frazzling me when I'm trying to say something important.

  3. #23
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    Let us know how it all goes Angela, or you really will go Batty!

  4. #24

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    Quote Originally Posted by Angela's Gone Batty View Post
    Part of her problem is that I am unable to have children but she doesn't want to accept that.
    People used to hassle me all the time. This only works if they're standing right in front of you ...... I learnt to make my bottom lip quiver, think of something sad & a single tear would eventually spill out & trickle down my cheek.

  5. #25
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    I really feel for those of you who have horrible MILs. I can only hope to god mine won't be like that (whoever she may be!).

    JTDNTB - come now, you're getting on at 21, you better pop those babies out!

  6. #26
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    Quote Originally Posted by JudgeTheDeedNotTheBreed View Post
    I have been through a similar situation with my OH's mum (sorry not writing MIL since Im only 21 and NOT married lol)

    My OH had his tubes tied when he broke it off with his ex (his daughters' mother) and has obviously since met me We have discussed children and both would like to in the FUTURE! and in the meantime need to come up with the money required to get a reversal.

    His mother would continuously rant and rave about how we only have so much time left (hello lady Im 21! for god sakes) anyway on my 21st birthday she started nagging me about it and I couldn't take it any more so I broke down in tears and then I got ANGRY and really told her what I thought!

    We are great friends now and has made a great relationship. I am so glad I spoke my thoughts that night
    Oh JTDNTB I so feel your pain. When I was 19 (23 now) my now hubby and I had been together about 6 months when my MIL was diagnosed with cancer. She kept getting all upset that she might die and never see grandchildren (my hubby is an only child). I had one of hubby's aunties tell to me that we should have a baby to make his mum happy "just in case".

  7. #27
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    Quote Originally Posted by Angela's Gone Batty View Post
    I definitely know what you mean and I know that I have to spell it out for her. I'm hoping that I will be able to get her sat down when she is here next. I'm now trying to work out how to put it so that she thinks it is her idea lol. MIL & FIL are coming up not this weekend but the next one so that gives me two weeks. I'll let you know how it all goes if you like?
    Yes, I would like you to let me know how it goes. Thank you.

    I am in a similar situation, and it came to a head long ago. It has truthfully come to a head many times, and no matter how many ppl nesides myself continue to spell the truth out to MIL (including my husband at times) it lasts for a little while then she is back to her old ways. It is very sad. Neither of my sons wish to speak to her on the phone - she shows no interest in them and proceeds to tell my 14 year old about her 65 year old whorish lifestyle. WTF?
    I sincerely hope your situation never gets to the stage ours is at, as I am the one who realises just what she is missing out on. If the day comes when she ever opens her eyes and sees what SHE has missed out on - well, I pity her pain at that moment.

    All the best to you, it is NOT easy.

  8. #28
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    Quote Originally Posted by GSDs4Ever View Post
    People used to hassle me all the time. This only works if they're standing right in front of you ...... I learnt to make my bottom lip quiver, think of something sad & a single tear would eventually spill out & trickle down my cheek.
    I managed to go one better.... I burst into tears and started sobbing for a good half an hour - because of something completely unrelated (a favourite client of mine has just passed away) MIL thinks it's because I can't have kids and seems to have eased up. Full story a bit below.

    Quote Originally Posted by Loren View Post
    JTDNTB - come now, you're getting on at 21, you better pop those babies out!
    Eek! I must be over the hill!

    Quote Originally Posted by Devil's Advocate View Post
    Yes, I would like you to let me know how it goes. Thank you.

    I am in a similar situation, and it came to a head long ago. It has truthfully come to a head many times, and no matter how many ppl besides myself continue to spell the truth out to MIL (including my husband at times) it lasts for a little while then she is back to her old ways. It is very sad. Neither of my sons wish to speak to her on the phone - she shows no interest in them and proceeds to tell my 14 year old about her 65 year old whorish lifestyle. WTF?
    I sincerely hope your situation never gets to the stage ours is at, as I am the one who realises just what she is missing out on. If the day comes when she ever opens her eyes and sees what SHE has missed out on - well, I pity her pain at that moment.

    All the best to you, it is NOT easy.
    So, MIL & FIL were up this weekend, they arrived (for once) at the time they said they would and have helped to put up some shade cloth in the yard. Anyway, I cooked everyone breakfast while they were working on the shade cloth. The morning went really well until about 11am - they arrived at 8am.

    That's when MIL decided to start criticising and changing things. I waited until lunch time and after serving hot chicken and salad rolls for lunch decided to start the discussion. I explained to MIL how much her criticism hurt me and that I have my own routine and my own system for cleaning the house. I explained how I was feeling and how I was very apprehensive of even being at home when she visited.

    She decided that was the perfect time to try a guilt trip. How she feels expected to cook and clean, how hard she finds everything now, how she believes my home is a pig sty (there is a little dust where I can't reach on top of the windows and sometimes the dishes get done at the end of the day instead of how I normally do after every meal). She then started crying about how much she wants grandkids before she dies and she doesn't want to pressure SIL for them as she doesn't think SIL is ready.

    I snapped at her before the grandkids comments, I told her that she has never been expected to clean or do anything and that if she wasn't so bloody single minded about everything and actually listed when I ask her to sit down and relax she wouldn't be feeling that way. I also told her that I have given up on stopping her from doing anything.

    That is when she started crying about grandkids. That's when I broke down and started sobbing. I told her that there was no point putting that pressure on me as I am sterile and there is nothing I can do about it. I told her I was sick of being made to feel like I was nothing because of something that I cannot change.

    Anyway to cut a long story short, the rest of the weekend went pretty well, she backed right off, still didn't stop doing the housework and moving the furniture and even caused hubby to blow up at her. He moved our buffet back to where it was because I'd run into it and hurt myself where she put it. It was a bit of an up and down weekend, but everything had settled by the time I had to go out to see my clients. So I think all in all things have settled, but we'll have to wait until next time to find out for sure.

  9. #29

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    Well done AGB !! Not a perfect result, but heaps better than what I would have expected. Sounds like you've got hubby supporting you, so that's half the battle. I'm very proud of you & you're realistic to know that this is only "round one" of goodness how many until she "gets it". Good job girlie.

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