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Thread: Inlaws Vent

  1. #11
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    Thanks, I'm sure it will get better when we move, we'll have 3 living areas so we'll have some more space.
    It's just not how I saw my life going, although alot of things haven't gone as planned, I always said I would never live anywhere that had traffic lights and I'm now living in the city

  2. #12
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bordeaux View Post
    Thanks, I'm sure it will get better when we move, we'll have 3 living areas so we'll have some more space.
    It's just not how I saw my life going, although alot of things haven't gone as planned, I always said I would never live anywhere that had traffic lights and I'm now living in the city
    Yes, the journey of life is never what we expect, is it.

  3. #13
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bordeaux View Post
    Thanks, I'm sure it will get better when we move, we'll have 3 living areas so we'll have some more space.
    It's just not how I saw my life going, although alot of things haven't gone as planned, I always said I would never live anywhere that had traffic lights and I'm now living in the city
    If you want to make god laugh, tell him your plans!!

    Life is certainly full of surprises, good and bad. Sorry you find yourself in this situation it must be very difficult for you. You are not selfish, you are human and I'm sure most people would feel the same. My inlaws have been over from the UK for the last 8 weeks and I love them loads but I think I will enjoy having my own 'space' again. I hope your MIL gets the help she needs and recovers soon.
    The best things in life, aren't things

  4. #14
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    Bordeaux

    I feel for you. I could never live with my mother, and I don't have a MIL (or a hubby for that matter). People including her keep suggesting we shack up together, but I know it would be her rules not mine and not enough compromise and we'd drive each other nuts. I do occasionally say "no" to her but I feel really bad when I have to do it.

    I suspect a MIL might be even harder, because while you don't have the growing up with her as the "boss", your hubby did. And mixed in with a fair bit of protective / submissive love for her - he's not going to be very comfortable with any difference of opinion you might have for "Mum", and he's not going to be very good at dealing with it.

    I know you don't want any advice but I can't help myself. I feel like you're about to go completely nuts. At least that's what happens to me every time I try to blot out/ignore things like this. You're right, you can do it for a week or a month, when you can see the end of it coming, but not when it looks like forever.

    I'd start by making lists of every little thing that pisses you off about what she's doing. Try to focus on the behaviours and actions and not her specifically. Also write what you'd like her to do instead (including moving out but that will get repetitive - she wouldn't happen to have some other children she could say with from time to time?). Sometimes just writing the list helps you get a bit of perspective and feel better. Little things do matter - they build up into big things like snow balls or holes in the road.

    I used to actually go through this list about once a month with my flat mate, usually screaming at the top of my lungs - I'd be that upset. But she'd listen, and when I got to the end of the list, she'd say "are you done yet" and I might add a couple more things, but by then I'd have calmed down. And I'd say "nothing's going to change is it?" and she'd say "Nup", but I'd feel better, and that's what mattered. She was a pretty amazing flat mate and we're still friends despite my occasional temper tantrums.

    I don't know if you can do that with your MIL, there are other personal dynamics going on there that might make it more difficult.

    The next thing I'd do if I was you would be to find a relationships skills counsellor who can advise you how to ask for what you need in such a way, that nobody gets upset, and you get what you need at least some of the time. It's very difficult to think of the nice way to ask for something when you're seething. At least I find that I need to calm down first or I'm so nasty that the person I want from automatically resists even listening.

    I think part of the problem is because the person who shouldn't be there (your MIL) is sort of in a position of authority as a parent (I also had a similar problem with a landlord spending too much time at my place) and you don't want to say anything because the consequences are scary. But you need to through a series of "what's the worst that can happen" and "how likely is that?" questions. To get a realistic idea of what would happen if you stood up for yourself more. And you need to be able to stand up for yourself without feeling (or being made to feel) like crap for doing it.

    And that's my totally unprofessional, unsolicted advice. Feel free to ignore all of it if you like.

  5. #15
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    That does give me some food for thought Hyacinth.

    My Oh and his mother have a strange relationship, if you didn't know they were related you wouldn't guess it.
    He's more the parent than she is. While she's living with us she's a house mate, he practically ignores her and she him. He wont do anything for her or take her anywhere unless I ask him to, we dont do things as a family.

    So I think it's just the fact theres another person in the house thats the problem, not just that it's the MIL. I'd feel the same if it was a friend or stranger that was renting a room.

  6. #16
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    Alfter getting all that out I think I need to find someone to go have an after work drink with now. Let my hair down before going home

  7. #17
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    Bordeaux

    Your OH and his mum, that's just a little weird to me. Have you ask him why he's like that, I'm sure the answer would be interesting because it's unusual. Maybe it's their way of dealing with a relatively stressful situation.

    And I know what you mean about having another person in the house. Unfortunately it doesn't seem to matter (to me) how big the house is, if you're not friendly / friends / pleased to see and chat occasionally with the other person, it gets stressful. Can you tell I've had a few not-fun flatmates in my time?

  8. #18

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    I came looking for cupcakes but am just sending you a hug instead...



    What a pickle you are in.

    It's ok to want things just for yourself sometimes, it's just getting them that's a bit hard.

    I'm up for the after work drink! Anyone else coming??
    Last edited by Nattylou; 11-06-2009 at 11:20 PM.

  9. #19
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    OH BOY .. cup cakes ,hugs and drinks count me in.
    O.h and I live with his mum, she's too independent to live in a nursing home but too frail to live on her own. We all get on well and have enough space to do our own thing.

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