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Thread: Grief and Guilt...

  1. #1

    Default Grief and Guilt...

    Hi to everyone,
    I have just discovered this web site in my grief over losing my best friend Beau who was 11 yrs and 5 mths old when he passed away 5 days ago.
    He was a bull mastiff staffy cross and a big sook as well as making me feel safe...if that makes sense?? I have no one to share my sadness and wanted to find somewhere where people would understand my over whelming grief and guilt. I apologise for length. Here is Beau's story:

    We found Beau (9mths. old) in the paper as a giveaway and he soon captured my heart. All my family loved him and he was always a happy go lucking type of guy. The only time he went to the vet was with occasional skin conditions....until in the middle of March this year when he had little lumps over his back. Took him to the vet and he said it was from midgee bites. Recommended Advantix and we also used mosquito colis and plugin Mortein to keep insects at bay where he slept (outside our back door). Also went on antibiotics. He wouldn't take the awful smelling large tablets so took him back to vet for solution and he prescribed more palatable tablets. Took them a bit easier for a couple of days then my son noticed a lesion on his tongue while Beau was licking himself. We took him to the emergency care vet (BVECCS) on Good Friday as he was now drooling, wouldn't eat and hardly drink. Vet suspected a rare type of cancer- Dermal Lyphoma... had biopsy done that day to confirm and to help establish what the problem was. Took him back to my vet for results- no cancer so my vet took blood test to check his liver/kidney function. Came back all ok so suggested he check out his mouth under anaesthetic....what he saw was ulcers that were all over mouth/tongue. No one had looked there before and Beau wouldn't open his mouth for us.
    He said was probably reaction to something and should give him steroids in plastic syringe...I asked if he could have this in injection form instead and he said no. At this stage Beau had no pain relief as the vet said he was ok?????

    I could not give Beau this treatment as it would have been painful so took him back that night to emergency vet...She was wonderful and Beau was put in overnight for fluids PAIN RELIEF and STEROID INJECTION! The staff there were wonderful and I was brought to tears of relief to see my Beau respond so well, bathed and bright eyed. He came home with steroid tablets to be given every night for 2 wks. and then slowly reduce medication. He was like a new dog and I was so happy, lesions were gone and he was eating like a horse as well as drinking heaps. I changed vets as was not happy at all with previous one and he had a checkup at new vet on Tuesday and had clean bill of health.

    The next day Wednesday I woke to find him laying on his tummy on pavers, miserable and would not get up for his morning smackos....I thought oh no his mouth problems had come back...what was much worse was my car was in shop to have oil leak fixed and my partner was in Hervey Bay on a job (we live in Brisbane). I couldn't get him to vet and rang for home visit...she couldn't come till 3.30pm, 6 hrs time!! I racked my brain to try to come up with solution, taxi wouldn't take dog, friends, family at work. I kept checking and talking to him but by time vet got here (one minute after my partner got home) she said he must have an internal bleed as his blood wasn't circulating. Long story short we had to jump start a Barina (flat battery) we had as work ute only had 2 seats and Beau is quite big. A traumatic drive to vets (trying to keep car going) and my baby had to be put to sleep as vet said this was very serious and I didn't want Beau to suffer anymore. I wish I had known there was a pet transport available and can't seem to deal with the fact I should have done more and the thought of him suffering is unbearable. My partner grew up on a farm and can't quite understand my guilt and sadness.
    Beau has been cremated and I will have his ashes back with some mementoes (some hair, paw print) on Wednesday.
    Inscription on plaque of the memorial box will read: Beau you have left my side, But you will never leave my heart. 8/12/00-2/5/12.
    Thank you for taking the time to read this story.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jul 2011
    Location
    se qld
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    I am so sorry for your loss of the lovely Beau.
    Most of us here have lost a best friend and share our tears with you.
    Please dont feel guilty, you did everything you could for him and he was a lucky boy to have such a loving family.
    I know your heart has been ripped out, or feels like it. Remember the happy times you had together.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Feb 2011
    Location
    shitney
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    such a sad story.... sorry to hear about your loss........ dont beat yourself up, you did the best you could......
    Quote Originally Posted by Sean View Post
    I love 2 things in this world. Spandex and reyzor... not necessarily in that order.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Jul 2011
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    Sunshine coast Qld
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    ohh, Dreamsarefree, I am so sorry for your loss and have tears after reading it.
    You need to be assured your beautiful Beau had a happy and much loved life with you. You took this giveaway scrap of a dog, that no one wanted and changed his life for the better.
    Things happen in life that we have no control over, despite our best intentions and you should feel no guilt, just happiness that you loved this boy for 10 +good and happy years and he loved you back everyday of his life.

    The pain of your loss will ease, but the memories will last forever.

    R.I.P beautiful and precious Beau
    The greatness of a nation can be judged by the way its animals are treated.
    Mohandas Gandhi

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Aug 2011
    Location
    Canberra
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    My deepest sympathy for your loss. And as Chubb said, most of us have been there and can recognise what you are going through. Including the guilt. But do know that whatever you do, it will never seem enough in hindsight. Believe me, I've been there...

    You gave your dog a wonderful life. And you did what you got to manage his health. Please take comfort in the fact that you were there with him on his last day and he did not spend it alone and scared in a vet's kennel. And 11 is a fairly good age for a big dog. My previous dog was 11 whens he died unexpectedly. I had expected a few more years out of her, but now I just think it was her time to go.

    It will take time for those awful feelings to fade. You never stop missing them, but it does get better. And after a while it gets easier to be philosophical about how it happened too. The best thing to do now is to focus on the happy life you shared together.

    Hugs.

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Jan 2012
    Location
    Perth, WA
    Posts
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    Oh you poor thing, I'm so sorry for you losing your dog. You shouldn't feel guilty, you gave Beau 11 years of love and care and the trauma of losing him will take time to come to terms with, but that hurt will fade with time and you will always have your memories of your beautiful Beau.

    I just love the inscription you're putting on the memorial box RIP Beau ...

  7. #7

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    I am really sorry please remember you gave him the best life you could have. big hugs

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Jan 2012
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    BrisVagas
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    Oh My Goodness I feel for you I really do..
    I have been there a few times now and it hurts..

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Oct 2009
    Location
    Rural NSW
    Posts
    5,967

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    I am so very sorry for your loss and I too believe you did all you could when you could.

    He was very lucky to have such a caring wonderful owner.

    Any posts made under the name of Di_dee1 one can be used by anyone as I do not give a rats.

  10. #10

    Default Thank you all

    Me and Beau.jpgThank you so much for your kind words that have been of great comfort to me.
    I checked if there were any replies and with dropped jaw realised there were 8!!
    Just goes to show there are people with compassion, kindness and understanding out there.
    Thank you again this has really helped me and I will try to remember the great times Beau gave to myself and family, of which there are many.

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